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Sunday, July 06, 2008

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The Dwindling and final demise

As I look out over the vast row of cubes in this company, I look at the lives of over 100 people affected by the 'rule' of this part of the company. Our department has become over-run with managers, and they have created drones to carry out their desires of driving this department's moral and 'well-being' out of hearts, replaced with the fear of failure, and thus unemployment if thier 'goals' aren't met.

It started a few years ago, when our department was just another area of the company. Life was simpler, and work was not as stressful. Today everyone hates their jobs, or almost hates it because of the increased pressure and stress laid on the shoulders of the people working on the phones. It's becoming one of those things that you can't put your finger on, but you really can sense it when you talk to the other people - they HATE their jobs, and they used to LOVE it. If it weren't for the fear of losing this job, these people would revolt and stand up against the tyranny of management that enslaves them into doing thier bidding, no matter how rediculous the task may seem. Counter productive acts of meaningless behaviours, which have little effect on the impact of the final outcome of the sale make situations between the customer and the phone tech nearly laughable, but embarrasing nonetheless.

There is a sense of urgency for change - a sense of waiting for the 'next shoe to drop' - everyone is anxious to see what that will be - and yet know in thier hearts the inevitable is coming; the outsourcing of thier job entirely, spelling disaster for any hope that they will, one day, enjoy a full day at work in their cubical.

The dream of leaving the job with a feeling of accomplishment and self-worth after eight hours in the cube is fading at an alarming rate. This company's department has successfully deflated all hope of there ever being a company that was once great, with integrity, honor, and a true sense of teamwork, comradery and partnerships within the department.

Long live the TPS report!

The Continuing Saga of associate tips and tricks

In my previous Blog, I showed you ways to break morale, and belittle your associates, to bring them to the point of submissive weasles, mindless drones performing your every wish and beckon call. Mind you, it doesn't happen over night, and like that of a good baker, you must labor before before seeing it come to fruit.

To help to accellerate this process, you can implement several options and quick-fills to help to really bring that stubborn subordinate to his/her knees. The rule here is to Break 'em early! The sooner you reduce the associate to a shivering denizen of your mad realm, the more productive your organization will become, which makes your ego inflate, and you get more pat's on the back from your boss!

A prime example, is a simple daily email to all your associates giving them the 'low-down' on what will happen today, setting strong expectations by giving examples of some of the associates that failed you yesterday:

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Attention all Associates:

Yesterday we had 1 RONA!!! One customer heard nothing but ringing on the line. Did they stay on the line? Did they hang up and call our competitor? Ask yourself, if the phone was ringing, and I heard 7-8 rings when I know almost always picks up on 2-3 rings, would I stay on the line? That could have been a lost customer that we need to be aware of!!!

We took 1144 calls, with SL of 76.5% for dept X, 92.1% for dept Y, 92.1% for Dept XX, 80.8% for XXY, YYX at 76.3% and 77.8% for XYZ. Our overall Service Level was 83.9%. Another nice job done on the phones! For those of you who fell below service level, I will be visiting you at your desk to discuss your times.

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This is just a mild threatening email, but you get the idea, and the demeaning tone rings true with depth and great undertones of anger and dispair - one key note is to DRIVE that spike of GUILT and REMORSE like a wedge, instilling the failure and depression in thier hearts. But, don't be all doom and gloom, finish up with a 'Kudo to those who didn't fail you, and drop the hammer on those who did. Works like a charm!

So, with that, you now have yet another way to bring darkening moral-deflation, suppressing good will, teamwork, and a displacing all feelings of goodness within your company. Repeat this process every morning, and keep the emails short if you can to reduce time the associate uses reading your mail - it's important not to ramble! Set the law, set your expectations, and when in doubt, simply strike fear into thier hearts by asking someone to stay late tonight - for an important task. Then, see who bites.

Whomever replies to the request, becomes added to the list of your growing 'henchmen' who you'll slave-whip into doing your dirtiest deeds coming along down the pike.. Grow them like Orcs and then set them apon the rank-n-file to feed on their flesh!! Great fun at parties too!

More associate tips and tricks

To help further drive down morale of your associates, try this fun trick.

Single out one of your known weakest associates, and charge him with the task of doing the deed for you, so the rank/file doesn't suspect you of being the administrator of this event. Have the charge associate monitor the work of the others, and begin grading them on thier progress. Scrutinize everything - and offer suggestions to improve productivity, without reward for a job well done. Continue this practice for weeks, and make sure the charge associate is well-seen in his monitoring activities.

The charge associate is to create 5-page belittling reports which depict their flaws, mistakes, and areas of personal hygene that should be changed or eliminated; that he then will give to each associate that is being 'graded'. Make the charge associate CC: you on all emails that are sent out, so that the lower-associates know he means business, and they'd better not fuck with him, or he'll run squealing back to you with the incident.

This will instill hatred and malice on the charge associate, but not you. Instead, you will control the charge associate like a puppet, and all the evils will befall on him, not you - as he's the one instating the rules, and making them work harder for no rewards.

For little rewards, let the puppet give out shitty trinkets like a candy bar, or a lunch coupon - but don't let the value of the coupon exceed the value of a real lunch, make it 1/2 of what a standard lunch costs, so they still have to buy something, thus increasing your value to the company - make sure you show your boss this, so you get credit for it, otherwise some other shit-for-brains is going to do it, and you'll lose credibility - something you really cannot afford to be without!

This trick is also known to the corperate world as 're-directing authority' to preserve your skinny ass from being the bad guy. If associates come to you with a complaint, simply direct them to the charge associate, and you can go back to sucking ass from your boss, and hunker down behind your desk knowing you're safe from distain, while still causing havoc and bullshit in the workplace..

Now, go ahead and see how well you can sleep at night, knowing full well you're safe from anyone hating you - or accidently bumping into your heels with a shopping cart at the grocery store outside of work..

Before you can see your employees fleeing for thier lives from the doors of your company, there's a few things you must learn to be successful. Throughout history, belittlement has been the key factor in bringing an employee to his/her knees to keep the morale below the level of threatening your management team. Remember, we want to slowly create the panic in the associate, not just shoo them out of the place in one fell swoop.

It's almost an art form, the daily practice of 'breaking' your associates. Best to start with one employee, and hone your skills of belittling and demeaning thier spirits.

The main goal here is to rob the associate of any sense of self-accomplishment, or to keep them on the defensive by a series of small, yet 'very serious' threads of issues that are directly pointed to the associates job. Small things, but if you make them important, you can inflate them into something that will be very effective at slowly taking the enthusiasm and dedication from the associate. Over time, this will prepare the associate for the more inflictive damage you will cause by advanced means of attacks.

On a global scale, the slow dwindling of rewards to your employees is a strong assistant in slowly robbing several groups of associates at a subliminal level..

Where your company once provided lavish gifts, and dinners, and other expensive items, now replaced with inexpensive, meaninless trinkets and paper-based items like coupons to shitty restaurants. Offer rediculously slighty little prizes that aren't worth shit, but you make them available to those who really bust thier ass, and they will soon be drooling like dogs to a steak for that car wash coupon!

Then, once you have established the norm with totally useless prizes for 'deeds done well' offer some prizes to help raise jealousy and competitve natures between the associates - get 'em fighting with each other to further add to the growing dissident and break up moral all the more.

Now that you're stirring the pot, and got things looking sort of dark, add that threatening tone to your environment by singling out associates that don't perform well and make examples of them, with something like an email to the group, naming the associate who will be excluded in a jeans day, or something like that, so the other associates have something to fuel their dissatisfaction.

Keep this going for another 6months, each month adding more responsibility, and stricter values to the cause, but be discreet, and call it "GOOD FOR THE COMPANY" and use stupid terms like "ACCOUNTABILITY" and "SERVICE THE CUSTOMER" (at all costs) look up some corperate mumbo-jumbo, and make a mission statement out of it.

Post the mission statement everywhere as a constant reminder of the rule of law being instated within the corperation and that the associate is expendable, and we'll waste anyone who stands in our way.. You know the sort of bullshit I'm talking about, don't you? Of course you do.. Because now you're in control, and the rank-n-file are under your countrol, and they've fully submitted to your every demand, and you're about to instate a new dress code, just to watch the people in your management area freak some more.. That's it.. now you're cooking..

Muahahahahaha

Office Space

PC Load letter!?!?! WTF is that?!!

Great, great movie! A MUST see for anyone in the corperate world!

PC Load letter!?!?! WTF is that?!!

Great, great movie! A MUST see for anyone in the corperate world!